i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
