Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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