I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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