my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
