No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
