My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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