Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
