I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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