Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
