The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
