Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
