I showed him my bush... on skype.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
