hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The power of my boobs compel you
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
