I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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