Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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