Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
True strength comes from lack of pants
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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