If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
