The maid of honor just puked.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
