Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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