Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize