Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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