I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize