he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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