ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
