it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
