hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
