I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I deserve this hangover.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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