he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
