Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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