I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
