Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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