It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
