i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
