Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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