umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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