I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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