If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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