dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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