I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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