Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
