highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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