careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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