I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
