When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
