I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
and she was petting her beer can
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
