i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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