tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
