I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
