I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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