its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
