I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Is Oprah even human
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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