The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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