Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
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