When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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