Are we in a gay sports bar?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize