dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
