Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
