Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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