i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
