Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize